I am one of those who advocate for being in a relationship with the intent to spend a life time with the other person if not, don’t get involved in their lives. I’d say, if you don’t see them in your future, then there’s no need interrupting their lives only to leave them broken. In my take, once you profess love for them, there’s no going back and even if things start going wrong in the relationship, they can always be worked out since both party chose to be with each other. ‘Fix it’ I’ll say to them.

In 2015, a friend who has been in a relationship for four years reached out to me, bitterly complaining about how her 'guy' all of a sudden doesn’t treat her properly. It had turned into an abusive relationship. The guy was completely in control of her life; he beats her, always checking her phone to see who she’s been chatting, they can never have a clean conversation without arguing and according to her, the only time he’s proper towards her is when he’s asking for sex. I asked her, ‘why are you still with him?’ She said, ‘because I love him and believe he’d change. He wasn’t like this when we starting dating.’ Guess what? I told her, ‘sometimes, loving someone means letting them go. You don't have to stick around hoping he'd change or try to change him. You need to know when to opt out!’ 

Some relationship can be too toxic to contain and if at all they’re contained to the point where they walk the aisle and make vows. There’s every possibility that that home will not be a conducive one to raise kids with good sense of worth in themselves. Therefore, it is best to opt out of such relationship before its too late. 

The mind of an abusive person is an unstable one. Such a person hasn’t come in touch with the reality of who he/she is and as a result that person isn’t truly single to be dating. Likewise, someone who professes love for you and is out flirting; treating you in an unpleasant way isn't ready and need to go find him/herself. Because building successful relationship starts with the relationship you have with yourself. Someone who truly values his/herself will definitely express that value to another person. And, I wouldn’t say someone who is abusive and a flirt is in touch with the reality of who he/she is neither does he/she value themselves. The last thing you want to do is allowing someone who doesn’t know where he is going lead you. 

Of course, we are humans and we make mistakes. But to consistently repeat same mistakes over and over again, hurting the other person in the process isn’t cool. Relationship isn’t a burden to bear; it's a journey to cherish. Therefore, if you are in one which is a burden to you, I’d advice you walk out. Not everything can be fixed. Some things are met to be left in their broken state. Learn to let go and stop trying too hard to change the other person. It is their decision to make alone. Letting go helps you as much as it helps the other person. Let go with love in your heart towards the other person wishing he/she well. Don't let go filled with hatred. Knowing when to let go is the best gift you can give to them and yourself.

It is however sad that one too many people opt of a relationship with strong feelings of resentment towards the other person as a result of how he/she treated them. They spend their time wishing evil to befall him/her just to feel good, they label he/she a 'devil', they stop all means of communication and don't even want to set eyes on the other person again. And, I think such approach isn't really cool at all and  it begs for questions: if you really loved that person and have been with them for a long time, why the hostility? Where did it spring from? Does it mean what the both of you shared wasn't really there in the first? And if it was, what happened?

Lots Of Love.

About Jemine James


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